Clear The Runway

Hello my long lost friends!

It is summer here in the States and I have spent mine getting healthy. Last you knew I was graduating from university and planning on attending graduate school. Now I feel comfortable enough to tell you all that I will not be going to graduate school in the fall. This past semester I struggled with health issues and depression. Things got so bad that I had to medically drop four of the six classes I was taking. Luckily those four were for my business minor and I had enough credits to graduate with my double major in international affairs and sociology in three years, ultimately leaving myself with half of a business minor. Life gets pretty tough and I have been afraid to post anywhere on social media that I didn't perform to the expectations I had set for myself, the ones I thought society would hold me to. As it turns out, society can kindly kiss my ass! I shouldn't be afraid to admit that I suffer from depression, I shouldn't be afraid to say I'm changing my short term plans to accommodate my health! Many people follow the path of graduating then getting a respectable job. If you know me, you know I happily stumble from that beaten path. 

I digress...

I'm proud to say that I lack firm plans about my future but hold steadfast to my goals of getting healthy mentally and physically, traveling, and getting a job that isn't work because I love it so much. 

I've been getting iron infusions and doing nutrient therapy because blood work showed I was extremely deficient in necessary vitamins, as my body was not absorbing them. These deficiencies made my depression worse and now that I am getting vitamins the depression is slowly decreasing. I am also concentrating on self love because after the traumatic relationship I was in, I thought I was worthless and a truly terrible person. Now I am ready to embrace the healing on all levels!

My path to healing does include some travel within the United States. That is what this entire post was supposed to be about: getting the wanderlust back in my eyes! I've got a little sparkle in them, a little shine. I'm ready to hit the Tarmac and invigorate my soul! Keep on the lookout for more posts as I document my healing, travels, and experiences!

I'll be going on an adventure very soon, if you want to see all of the fun add me on Snapchat- toriquaglia. Two weeks and I'll be up in the air again!

Thanks to my family and a few very close friends, I'm coming back to life. Never give up on yourself, you are worthy, you are loved. I know this because I LOVE YOU! Here's my jam that gets the good vibes going for me, Chumbawumba - Tubthumping

This Too Shall Pass... It is Passing!

My last post was quite dreary. I was ready to give up on life. Sometimes everything becomes so overwhelming that I just want to sleep and seek refuge in my dreams. Depression does that, it pushes you to the very edge. Just like you have bad days, we also have good days. It's 2:30 in the morning on a Monday that I have classes and all of a sudden I feel renergized and invigorated. I know I have a larger purpose in life and I know I can make the world a better place! University is helping me expand my horizons, attain knowledge and experience I need, but it is also making me weary. Sometimes I need to stop and be that young woman doing odd and irresponsible, unplanned things! I need to travel and share my light, you need to share your light!! 

This past weekend I realized I am a good saleswoman. I have a way with people that is natural and genuine and I can use that in philanthropy and humanitarian efforts just the same as I could in the business world! I will be okay!! My plans may not come out as I hope or expect, but that's the journey. 

Stay positive my friends, and if you can't do that then eat food because food will always make you feel better! And know that I love you, whomever you are reading this blog, I love and appreciate you. 

Cheers to big things ahead, obstacles and opportunities. 

Break Down

I only want to love and be loved. I cannot do anything else. 

Que Sera Sera

What will be will be. Patience is a virtue, a virtue I do not have. Love is the most important thing to me in life, to love and be loved. Love is that security, that feeling of being invincible, that complete grounding to the Earth. I love myself, yet I am constantly looking for and focusing on being love by a man, and not just any man, the man. This man is the one who I dream about, the one I pray for, the one I talk to at random points knowing that wherever he is he is still receiving my love. I am impatient with this idea of love, not the man. College is not where I will find him, I will find him somewhere along my travels or he will find me. At some point we may lose touch and have to wait years before reconnecting, but I will go through all of that heartache just to feel that incredible and unconditional love.
I am trying to let go of the idea of that person until we happen upon each other, I won't be looking, just living life. We all deserve the greatest love, if there was more love in the world rather than deceit and hate then it would be a much happier and safer place.
I'm just rambling at this point, don't know where I started or where I am going, kind of like Michael Scott says! To anyone who is listening, I love you. Thank you for reading my thoughts and for being you. You deserve love, we all do.
My mother tells me that any man who truly deserves me will love me more than my dog loves me, and that is the damn truth! Colbie Caillat- Capri

Here is to some day experiencing that monumental unconditional love.

Tori

Beau and I wearing matching sweaters on Christmas Day

This is Her Year

I am back! I am back mentally and emotionally. If you read my last post you could have picked up on some sadness and feelings of stagnation, those are gone! I am out of an abusive relationship which was responsible for a lot of those negative and heavy feelings.

2015 is MY YEAR, my year of Light! It seems that years ending in odd numbers end up being some of my best, but every year presents many opportunities to seize life. My year of Light is formed around the idea that I have a light shining from within me and that I can spread that light without losing any of it while at the same time igniting or enhancing someone else's light. Last year was very difficult and my light shrunk, this year my light is already growing close to where it was when I returned from Peru, and I hope to seize opportunities that will encourage and facilitate it's growth.

I am graduating from Florida State University this spring with my Bachelor's of Science in International Affairs with a focus in anthropology, a second major in sociology, and a business minor. After I graduate I hope to be accepted into FSU's graduate program in International Affairs. This summer I want to travel and fill my new passport, I want to see old friends from home and from my travels, I want to invigorate my life again! You know that feeling when you start to feel like you have outgrown your current situation, your current space, and you know or feel deep down that you need to go somewhere else and inhale deliciously foreign languages and cultures? That is wanderlust, and I have it. If you are experiencing this too, lets go together, somewhere in a different hemisphere, somewhere that we can be ourselves completely, somewhere that life "just happens".

You are reading this and therefore you are an intimate friend of mine now, nice to meet you too! I can see this post is starting to digress, but I would like to remind anyone out there who is listening or reading, life is good, you just have to shake off what does not vibe with you. It may be difficult but you can do it, this too shall pass, and you shall be the bad ass you truly are! Here is a link to one of my favorite YouTube personality's latest music video produced by his good friends and family, this link inspired me and I hope it gets your passion going too! This Is My Year- The Shaytards

A majestic tiger snoozing on top of me at Busch Gardens while I am overly excited

And this folks, is where I tell you to keep kicking ass, vaya con dios, and be kind to one another! Good vibes friends, see you soon.

Tori

To Anyone Listening...

It has been some time since I last blogged. I spent a month and a half more in Peru, came home to St. Pete Beach, then went back to school at Florida State University. After that I spent a whole year living life. I have not traveled recently but I still have my opinions, which I enjoy sharing from time to time. Now is one of those times. 

Let me begin with the thought that being in a sorority has poorly influenced my social actions. I am encouraged to spend time and energy with people who do not lift me up emotionally or mentally. But for some reason I am in a sorority and for some reason I am learning some sort of wonderful life lesson. 

Lately I have been depressed, shocker. I'm comfortable with the idea of suffering but not comfortable sharing that with other people that attach a stigma to the label. And I want to be happy again, and soon. I need to feel my light again, I need to be passionate every day, I need to have energy! Soon this will pass, This too shall pass. I am completely held and supported in divine love and light. 

Thank you for reading my random rant, whomever you are. Know that I am sending YOU love and I hope you send it to someone else as well. I'm back at it with the blog, hopefully. Keep on being awesome my friends, until next time. 

International Runways

I'm only two weeks behind in blogging at this point, which is better than before. I measure my stay here week by week, on every Thursday, because that is the day I arrived and the day that I depart. Also, because of blogging, I live week to week recounting my experiences for you all. The week I am recalling now was much more exciting than the last and really shows how Cuzco has so many different layers.

Monday, June 24th, was Inti Raymi, the Incan festival of the sun. It is a huge tourist attraction as well as a native tradition. One of the festivals takes place just up our mountain at Sacsayhuaman (sexay woman), and thousands of tourists and Cusqueños alike flock to the large field to dance, eat, and party. Monday morning I was feeling really tired, as if I needed to recharge. Also realize I was still getting over this flu-like illness that included a river of mucus coming out of my nose, swollen glands, and extreme sinus pressure. That day I decided to rest, watch movies and read. I eventually got the energy to come to the main house and cook some eggs, then I talked to Sylvia about going to Inti Raymi, and she was going to leave later in the afternoon. I was still mulling over the thought of going or not and decided to take a shower in the afternoon, later than normal, and dried my hair right away. Normally I let it curl but the sun was going down fast and it would be too cold to have wet hair. So instead I dried it quickly in the sun with a towel and then brought out the only electronic beauty product I brought to Peru, my straightener. I was afraid it would burn out because of the voltage difference but it is high quality and can receive 220+ voltage. Due to the lack of humidity and moisture in the mountains my hair has been suffering, it is dry and not my normal mermaid style. So straightening it brought back the shine, smoothness, and luster. 

After I did my hair I offered up my straightener to Sara and it made her hair look fabulous as well. When you have had frizzy and dry hair for months you will learn to be grateful for a good hair day! In celebration of our newfound joy, Sara and I went to get papas fritas, at Juanito's of course. While we were there I invited Efrain, the guy that takes our orders, to come to the fashion show Wednesday night and he said yes. The thing about going to Juanito's every other day is that Efrain knows my order, my name, and what sauces I like. He also comes to tell us our order is ready and every day he gets closer and closer to my face when he says "listos". He asked if I had a phone here and I told him no, but that didn't stop him. He asked me how old I was, I told him 19, then asked how old he was. He told me to guess, and I had heard that he was 17, but he said he was 18 so that was better than the previous guess. Still, I'm not interested in him like that. I have no recollection of what we did after that, so I apologize for not taking notes the past few weeks. I can guess that I got a Milky Way at Parwa and went to my room to watch Friends on Netflix. 

Tuesday morning I went to Montay, as normal, with Sherri. On the way there we talked about men, our dogs, and just life in general. I had been planning on going to Lima since the beginning of my trip, and I was in contact with a friend from Florida State who lives in Lima. He golfs and had some time off the coming week so I told Sherri that I was going to Lima then. We like to talk about our travels, where we want to go and who we want to be with during our cab rides to Montay. It also serves as a great therapy session. 

Once we got to Montay we realized that all of the girls were busy working, this never happens. Normally only a few of them are working at a time and they are all able to receive treatments at some point while we are there, but that day they had apparently woken up late and got to their chores later so none of them got treatments. Sherri and I ended up playing with their kids the whole time, one of our favorite being Sergio. He is 5 and was already late for school but Sherri loves him so he hung around for 30 minutes and played swords with her with an old PVC pipe. The kids make their way into your heart and never leave. I'm so excited for the pregnant girls to give birth while I am here, it amazes me that I will be there for the beginning of their lives after the get back from the hospital. I give their mom's bellies massages, I can feel the little babies kick, and soon enough I will get to meet them!

After Mantay Sherri and I went to the bakery, like always, and I got pan con chocolate. It is the best breakfast food you will every have, especially after a morning with the Mantay girls. That day I ate my bread and realized it was a beautiful, warm sunny day. So naturally I had the courage to put my bathing suit on and lay out in the sun, for hours. I got a message on Facebook from one of my favorite people back in Tallahassee, saying that our other friend got back from Europe and now they're just waiting on me. That made me feel really good and it made me miss them, a lot. So the entire time I was laying out I had great wifi signal in the garden was able to stream 103.5, Tampa Bays best country, on my phone and I felt just like I was home. It stayed sunny without a single cloud for at least four hours and I visualized the beach lapping at my toes, jet ski's in the background, and my favorite people with me.

 After the sunning session I got ready for the clinic and to do some Reiki. I was working the door but also made macaroni and cheese, not that I needed it before the fashion show, but it is always a comfort. I ended up giving a treatment to Ash's host family, which was cool because I hadn't seen him in a long time and I was able to bring multiple people full circle for Reiki. While I was giving treatments I realized that I was actually pretty sun burned. Because my whole body hadn't seen sunlight in a month and a half it reacted like expected, and the altitude doesn't help either. I was still happy to be sun burned, just in a bit of pain.

Wednesday was the day! We had the fashion show that night and during the day I had a lot to do. In the morning I had a Reiki treatment with Rosio and her mom, being really tired and still kind of sick. Despite my distaste for early morning treatments I worked with them and then hung out with Rosio until about noon. Rosio does not have the ability to fully stabalize or support herself when sitting or standing so I had to be with her for the whole two and a half hours. We sat in the garden for a while, played Niki's drum, Rosio trying to eat the drumstick, then looked at some of Lynn's stones that were sitting out in the sun to cleanse, and finally we tried to draw. At this point I hadn't eaten any food yet, was tired, and really wanted to go back to my room and rest. Finally Rosio's mom came back from working at the market and I got my break. 

Afterwards I made some scrambled eggs, went back to my room, and watched a movie and napped until I had to shower. Once the sun goes down here it is really difficult to shower, not only because of a lack of water pressure, but because without the sun we sit at a solid 45º F. So I hustled but also took a quality shower, shaving my legs completely (rare opportunity here), washing my hair, and taking care of everything else. I thought I wanted my hair curly for the show so I set it up to be curly, meaning I let it stay wet for a while, and then went back to my room and painted my nails nude while watching Pretty Woman, eating Chips Ahoy cookies, and drinking a Coke. Sara and I wanted soup before we left so we went to Green Point and then I felt really prepared for the show. As a model, gorging yourself before a fitted show is what you're supposed to do, right? 

Anyways, after soup we came back to the house and started getting ready. I went to Sara's room and straightened my hair because the curls didn't form correctly, put some base make up on, and got a bottle of champagne for backstage. It was about 9 pm when we got to The Muse, the club where the show was, and they ushered us to the back room where Eibhlin was setting up. She gave each of us our outfits and told us to know where they are at all times because we had to change ourselves after each walk. More models started showing up and soon enough it was a party. The show was supposed to start at 10 but of course on Peru time it actually started at 11:45 pm. While the models were waiting we celebrated with some champagne and wine, put eye makeup on the male models, and traded stories about our time in Peru. There were a few gringo models, mostly from Healing House and one more hostel bar, but the rest were Peruvians. 

The problem was that the club was so packed that they didn't have enough room to make the runway, and then they didn't have candles for the runway, so once that was all put together Niki and her band the Clusterfunks started playing covers to get the crowd ready. I was so pumped yet nervous at the same time and when I get nervous, I have to pee. So before we went on I went to the bathroom and saw that the married soccer player was in attendance, oh joy. Despite that I was excited to see Efrain from Juanito's and the buff waiter from Jack's cafe! All of the people that I wanted to be there, were, and that made me feel great. So after the first two songs were done we started walking out and Eibhlin didn't want it to be a serious show, she wanted people to have fun, dance, and party, so we got to dance down the candle-lit runway and play with the crowd. I was the only one wearing 5 inch heels and that got a great response from the Cusqueño men. Once we were done walking we had to go backstage and change, but the crowd was so thick that we could barely get through without someone grabbing us or trying to take a picture. 

My second dress was better than the first, in my opinion. It was different blue fabrics and was also high-low. I kept my hair in a bun for the first two dresses and had planned to make a little show of my own for my third dress. I quickly ran back after the second dress and put on my third, which not everyone had, and as so ready to own that runway. There were so many people that they had to hang out in the hallway as overflow, each getting to see our outfits but not the performance. So when I stepped out in the white dress I got a lot of ooh's and ahh's. Right before it was my turn to walk in my final dress, Niki and the band started playing Bad Girl, and it was the most epic moment of my time so far in Peru. I stepped out into the candles, took out the one pin I had left in my hair that was keeping it together, and whipped it back and forth! I swear there was a noticeable sound that came from the crowd as I let down my hair and danced around, still in my heels. After we all walked we got back onto the runway and danced with people in the audience for a couple of songs and then went to change. 

Sara and I had gotten free drink bands and once we changed we came back out into the crowd, danced, and tried to take advantage of the free drinks but decided it would be best if we didn't drink anymore, having to work at 8 am the next day. We hung out in the back room with other models and men that wanted to know the models until about 1 am. At this point Sara and I were sitting there, waiting for the two guys at the other end of the table to make some sort of move but then they got up and left, so we decided to go home as well. We started putting our jackets on and the two guys came back with drinks, asking us why we were leaving so soon. We said we had to work in the morning and said goodnight. The one I had my eyes on was a different soccer player, that was closer to my age and apparently single. So we left, I got home and passed out. The next day I found out that the guys had gone to get Sara and I drinks, came back, and then we left. Awkward but very flattering!

Thursday was the day that we were going to Mantay to paint finger nails. Normally it is just Sherri and I but Sara and Sylvia came along to help. We didn't have many colors but the girls improvised and just like to come and talk. After the nail painting we went to the bakery and ate some chocolate bread, then went to Jack's Cafe for more food. Has it become apparent to you yet that we like to eat? At Jack's I got caramelized banana pancakes, which just meant a ton of caramel sauce and some sliced up bananas, to say in the least I was disappointed. 

For the rest of the afternoon I hung out with Sara and Sherri, doing bits of nothing here and there. Later on in the evening Sara and I went for papas fritas at Juanito's and it was awkward seeing Efrain because the non existent relationship had somewhat peaked after he came to the fashion show. What was I supposed to do if I didn't want anything more? My first reaction was no more Juanito's, so after Sara and I each ate a full serving of papas, we declared we would not eat papas at Juanito's again for a whole week, it just worked out for me that I was going to be in Lima the next week. After papas I was able to finally get in contact with my family and our friends that were staying at the beach. The Sanders family comes to Florida every summer for a volleyball tournament in Orlando and spend time at our house on St. Pete Beach. I didn't know how I was going to do, not spending time with them this summer, but it was great to Skype with them and to hear how proud they are of me. Even though I was missing out on things like friends coming for visits, I am getting so much else here. I told them about the fashion show, the people and kids I work with, and that I love and miss them all. I told Kyler, the little boy, to catch a flounder for me and to eat cheese curds because that is what we did together last summer.

Friday morning Sara and I were really hungry so we went to Jack's Cafe... again. The thing about Jack's is that it is gringo central. They serve large portions of American style food at large prices. We are willing to pay for comfort sometimes. While we were waiting for a seat there was a little girl witting with her mom on the street, selling stones and candy. The little girl and I locked eyes, I made funny faces at her, she made them back, and then came running into my arms and gave me the biggest, most random hug I have ever experienced. I just held her for about 10 minutes, making funny faces, tickling her, and getting squeezed with love. Then we got our table and she wouldn't go back to her mother, it got to the point where the waiter had to carry her out and tell her not to come back in Spanish. After Sara and I ate the little girl came back and sat in my lap, eating the rest of my potatoes and pancakes. I found out her name is Alessandra and she is two years old. 

Later Friday afternoon we had a yoga flashmob. Paola, Mallory, Lynn, Romina, Sara, and myself went down to the small plaza called Nazarenas and whipped out a bunch of yoga mats and started getting bendy! I put out stacks of flyers for the fundraiser, put out donation jars, and took some great photos to document the event. We got so much attention, doing it just as kids were getting out of school and where a lot of tourists walk by. Other than raising money our goal was to spread the word about Healing House and all of the treatments and classes we offer. It got so hot in the sun that I had to sit down while talking to a woman about our programs because I almost passed out. In the end it was successful and I was proud to be part of such an amazing community. 

After yoga I went into my room to try and relax by watching Netflix but I couldn't find something I really liked, and it worked out perfectly because Sara asked me to go with her to Jens, a holistic doctor in the middle of nowhere in San Jeronimo. I jumped at the opportunity to get out of the house so we got a taxi and looked for about 15 minutes in San Jeronimo for this guys clinic. It was a trek to get out there but we made it and it was beautiful. Jens is from Denmark but specializes in holistic medicine and cupping, which is a suction of your meridians to get energy moving to heal you. When Sara got her treatment I was allowed to sit with her and as I walked into the room I felt like I walked into Inception. There were at least 6 other people hooked up to these cupping machines with wires and cords, looking exactly like the old people that couldn't dream without being put under in Inception. I laughed out loud. When it was time to leave Jens' it was dark out and he had called everyone else a taxi but not us, so he told us to walk down this sketchy dirt road that was scarcely lit until we hit Avenido del Cultura, one of the main roads where we could catch a cab. He said it would only take 10 minutes but it took a bit longer and I was thoroughly creeped out. 

Once we made it home I made macaroni and cheese as a comfort food and laid in bed watching Netflix for the rest of the night. Some days in Cuzco are extremely exciting and others just wear you down. This day had a bit of both. 

Saturday is the kids program and I just felt like taking a break that day. So I stayed in bed until just before the program and I decided to wear shorts and a t-shirt that day because the weather was GORGEOUS. Before I went into the program I tried to book a flight to Lima for Monday, I couldn't book ahead of time because I didn't know when I could be hosted, so I looked online for flight costs and times. I wanted a midday flight on Monday so I didn't have to stress, but my card kept getting denied. I had my father book my flight and because it was so close to my fly date it was more expensive, even if I did it through the airline site it would have been over $200 US. So my father booked a roundtrip flight through Orbitz and I went to go paint reusable bags with my kids! 

At first only two kids showed up but by the end of the program we had our regular boys and some new ones! I gave a Power Point presentation, in Spanish, about the dangers of using plastic bottles and bags and what we can do in Peru and across the world to prevent environmental destruction. One thing I have learned is that Cusqueño kids love computers, every time I bring mine out they want to play on it. When we brought out the paints and the canvas bags I put my computer away and tried to feel inspired to paint something. I love the feeling of a paintbrush in my hands and a blank canvas, but I never know what to paint or how to paint what I envision. I'm a big fan of quality, so painting will take some time to develop as a skill and a passion. After most of the kids finished painting they decided to paint me. The ONE DAY I wore a brand new pair of shorts the kids painted my freshly shaven legs bright red and purple, getting some paint on my shorts. I was upset for about one second until I remembered that they were just a pair of shorts and that the kids are getting so much enjoyment out of freedom to paint wherever or on whomever. Once the paint dried it was a physical pain to get off in freezing cold water, but then I boiled some, got an old rag, and started wiping down in the little sun left of the day. 

After the program I cleaned up, put pants on, and went to watch Sylvia and Giancarlo play at the Marriott. JW Marriott is a really nice hotel in Cuzco, for international tourists alike. Of course I wore my leather jacket and nice shoes for the occasion, and I felt like I fit in really well at the hotel. I also realized that if my family had come to Cuzco we would have stayed there. That really made me think that I have a nice lifestyle back home but I am versatile enough to fit in in other social standings and environments. I have to admit, I love looking good, dressing up, and making a night of things and that doesn't always "jive" with the people I am with here in Cuzco. I am not ashamed of my financial situation nor will I deny myself the pleasures and comforts that I can afford. I am versatile, but I am also true to my raising. Sylvia was kind of quiet on the mic and Giancarlo's guitar was louder than necessary, but the entertainment aspect was still good. There was a group of older friends from all over and it was the main guys birthday, so we all sang with him, ate chocolate cake, and drank champagne. After that Sara and I went to look for soup, ended up walking into a restaurant for kids, and went in search for a more adult-like atmosphere. We ended up at Ukuku's and they wanted us to pay a 15 sole cover, so we left and then got juices. I was satisfied and Sara and I walked home and slept heavily. It turned out to be a great Saturday. 

Sunday morning I gave a Reiki treatment to Rosio's mom and we had an open house. These three girls come and sell alpaca sweaters for their mom and just hang out with us all day. I help them with crafts and sometimes give them my computer to watch Barbie videos on YouTube in Spanish. By the end of the day they had written me notes telling me how much they enjoyed my funny faces and how beautiful I was. Those things make my day and I love those kids. This proves that I am meant to work with kids. After working all day and taking care of the girls, I was tired and didn't start packing to leave for Lima the next morning. Like always, I procrastinated. 

Stay tuned for my adventures in Lima! I promise you they are better than any movie.